I need a vacation already.

So I finally caved today and bought, not one, but THREE baby help books online. I'm losing my mind- Atticus is only feeding in five minute bursts over the course of a couple hours and then not wanting to eat at all (which I believe is called cluster feeding but I have no idea how to handle it), she has been getting ridiculously fussy at random times and the only thing to console her it to walk around with her, and she won't fall asleep anywhere but on my chest- only then can I lay her down in the Rock n Play but it's still a coin toss on whether or not she will stay asleep. Hopefully I can gain some insight on soothing techniques and schedules to start so I can regain some confidence in mommyhood.

I think that I am having short bouts of postpartum depression. I have been crying at the drop of a hat for the last three days, I can't seem to pull myself out of this dark hole, and nothing sparks it necessarily. It definitely happens more when she has to feed or when she cries, but it also gets brought on as soon as nighttime hits. I don't know if it's the impending sleepless night that I know I'm going to have to endure, or just the frustration from the day coming to a climax, but I feel like a horribly mother and an even worse partner when I have to hand her over to Blade so I'm not sobbing on her head anymore. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is just a little bit of 'baby blues' and not the start of full swing depression, I want my baby to come into a world full of happiness and love, not mood swings and instability.

In the meantime, I decided that I will try to keep in mind that being a mommy is my actual job right now, and that in order to be successful I have to make that my main priority. I am very anxious to get my life and body back, to have some peace of mind, and to capture a little bit of much needed selfishness again- but I can't do that until I've done my job of being a good mom. It's like working really hard toward a well earned bonus; the less work I do, the longer it will take me to get my reward. I'm going to start writing down more detailed notes throughout the day to try to pinpoint when she gets sleepy, what she's doing before and after she gets fussy, what works, etc., and see if I can't get a head start in the 'happy baby' department. Fingers crossed I can hang on to some semblance of sanity.