Sobriety is different.

This weekend, Blade's good friend and his girlfriend (Zach and Mary Ann) came into town to visit from Colorado. They were nice enough to get us all tickets to go see Arcade Fire and the Tune Yards at Starlight, which I have to say was a brand new experience for me. I was thinking about it, and in my entire adult life (and before that, honestly) I have never been to a live show completely sober. Either I get drunk when I'm there, or show up as such, but I have never been able to experience a concert without being under the influence of something. I was a little worried that I would be bored or anxious or irritated the entire time, but I wasn't. I was very aware that I wasn't able to imbibe, but it didn't effect how fun the show was. I had a great time, and I can remember the entire set- which can't be said for the prior shows. Afterward we went out and I experienced Westport on a Saturday night SOBER for the first time as well. That, I didn't care much for. I don't understand how I can sit for hours just chugging booze and chain smoking and have such a good time. Granted, I stayed out until 2am (yay for being a cool pregnant lady), but other than that, I was happy and proud to not have to drink to have fun. They only money I spent was on a round of drinks for the group to pay them back for the tickets. I came home, not looking like a mess, not spending every dollar in my wallet, and woke up the next day happy and refreshed. This sober thing may not be so horrible after all.

(Week 5:5)

There it grows again.

Well it is official that I am far enough along that Bean is big enough (the size of an apple seed) to have a heart beat... and now things are starting to sink in. I am going to be a mother at the age of 26, to a 27 year old man that I am not married to, without having a college degree (or a car for that matter), and without any idea what to do with a baby. Surprisingly, however, I am slowly losing the feeling of terror and replacing it with the same excitement that I feel when I visit a new country or start a new challenge, and this makes me feel a little better about what the future holds; I feel like this isn't going to be such a hard hit after all and that I will succeed.

Blade, although I haven't seen much of him since the big news thanks to our crazy work schedules, has been wonderful. He is extremely caring and supportive of me, and very protective and catering. At this point, I feel fine: bloating makes me feel a little uncomfortable but is easier to grasp because I know it's not just me being a fatty, sleeping is awkward and I think my anxiety is keeping me from a good nights rest, I've been a tad moody, and my joints have been hurting- but other than that, I haven't been experiencing anything too crazy. We went to our confirmation appointment on Tuesday and figured out that my due date is Christmas Eve, which I'm hoping will fluctuate for Bean's birthday parties sake, my blood work will be done in three weeks, and first prenatal will be in about four (5/28). I'm excited to see the first sonogram; I think that it will finally make this a physical reality- which I need, and I think Blade does too, because the mental/emotional aspect is killer right now.

On a weird note, I have been obsessed with reading my What To Expect book and thinking about the nursery and names and all that jazz. I find myself just blabbering on and on about pregnancy, and responding to every question or conversation with something related to my belly or Bean or the future or my missing vices. I feel like I'm already being annoying and it's only week five- I feel bad for everyone around me in six months.

For now, I'm just going to focus on eating and being healthy, preparing financially and emotionally for Bean's arrival at the end of the year, and spending as much quality time with Blade as possible while it's still just the two of us. As much as I am excited to expand our little family, I wish that we could have spent more time focusing on each other... I feel like a part of my life is dying before it even had a chance to live... I guess I am still pretty terrified.

(Week 5:3)

Confirmed: I'm knocked up.

Well as annoying as it was waiting for almost two hours in the very ghetto waiting room at Truman Medical Center, it was nice to hear that I was pregnant from a medical professional. The bad news is that I found out that my estimated due date (which can fluctuate) is Christmas Eve. I do not want to spend my favorite holiday in sever pain, huffing and puffing and hating my baby daddy while pushing a small person out of my lily; not ideal at all. But I don't really have a choice in the matter, Bean is going to get here when it gets here. (I know it doesn't sound right saying it, but 'they' or 'he/she' sounds silly and technically it's both right now for another couple of months.

Next step: I have to meet with a nurse to get my blood work done on the 16th (about 3.5 weeks), and then two weeks later I will get to have my first prenatal exam and meet our doctor. Which means that I get to spend the next month and a half figuring all of this shit out on my own (with the help of Blade and books, of course) and slowly get fat. Oh what fun. Blade is handling things quite well, although he could be a little more sensitive to how un-Godly sensitive I am right now and that would make things go a little bit smoother. But I am very happy and proud that he will be with me on this new chapter in our lives.

Things that I already miss: cigarettes, bourbon, hot dogs (which I don't normally eat, but want now that I can't have them), sushi, and wine. I have been told to avoid herbal tea, but I have to have some sort of something to use in place of my vices so I am debating that. But I only have 35 weeks to go right? I can do it?

(Week 4:6)

Let the world know.

So, I know I already posted today but I figured an update on how spilling the beans about Bean went...

All according to plan: Mom cried happy tears, Jeff wanted to pamper it, Grandma thinks Blade is going to leave me but is still happy, and Shannon, Doug, and Cutter responded with the same awkward laugh and congratulations that Blade did himself (which I find adorable). The Facebook outing went well also. I am very happy that I have supportive friends and loved ones in my life to help me get through this, Blade being the main one. He is such a fantastic man and I haven't a doubt in my mind that he will be an incredible partner and father; I couldn't have found a more perfect person to spend the rest of my life with.

One other person to point out is Jalissa. The first day after I tell her that I'm pregnant, she picks me up, takes me to a bookstore to buy my What To Expect book, gets coffee and dinner with me, and makes plans to be my 'sober buddy' through the next year. I hope that I have more friends that support me as much as she has done already, but I'm afraid I will find myself losing a lot of my party family. Only time will tell I guess.

As for how I feel today: I think something is rotting in my butt that doesn't want to come out, I feel like my stomach is a hot air balloon that is full, and I've been snapping at any and everyone. So this pregnancy thing is starting out real crappy... But I hear the second trimester is heaven, so here's to ten more weeks of hell.

(Week 4:5)

So guess what I'm making...

A baby.

Blade and I found out yesterday that I am, in fact, pregnant. I'm about six days late, my boobs hurt like hell, and I've been having the mood swings that my mother did when she went through menopause. So naturally we decided to grab one of those fancy tests, and both came back positive. I actually don't like the new age ones; mine didn't have a line or two as indicators, it just says YES+ or NO-... which is more of a slap in the face if you weren't expecting it. We are both terrified, honestly; I started crying immediately and Blade laughed out of shock. We took some time to think about it and decided that we were going to go the grown up route and keep the baby- who is to be called Bean until further notice. I'm going to tell our families today, which I think will be happy on my side of the family (maybe with the exception of Wilma) and less so on Blade's side. Shannon and Doug already have a premarital grandchild that she is raising quite a bit of the time. But we shall see.

In the mean time, I already miss booze and cigarettes, but have picked up yoga and jogging. I refuse to be a fat mom and I want to be able to snap back after Bean pops out. All the money that I'll save on going out will be nice, though, and I have a feeling I will be in better shape before I start to show than I was before I got pregnant. Estimated due date (from my own calculations) is looking to be around Christmas, so I have plenty of time to keep this updated and give all of my followers (aka myself) the day to day on this new journey. I'm absolutely scared out of my mind, but happy that I'm bringing a new life into this world with an awesome man, a supportive family, and wonderful friends to back me up.

Welcome to the world, Bean!

(Week 4:5)