There it grows again.

Well it is official that I am far enough along that Bean is big enough (the size of an apple seed) to have a heart beat... and now things are starting to sink in. I am going to be a mother at the age of 26, to a 27 year old man that I am not married to, without having a college degree (or a car for that matter), and without any idea what to do with a baby. Surprisingly, however, I am slowly losing the feeling of terror and replacing it with the same excitement that I feel when I visit a new country or start a new challenge, and this makes me feel a little better about what the future holds; I feel like this isn't going to be such a hard hit after all and that I will succeed.

Blade, although I haven't seen much of him since the big news thanks to our crazy work schedules, has been wonderful. He is extremely caring and supportive of me, and very protective and catering. At this point, I feel fine: bloating makes me feel a little uncomfortable but is easier to grasp because I know it's not just me being a fatty, sleeping is awkward and I think my anxiety is keeping me from a good nights rest, I've been a tad moody, and my joints have been hurting- but other than that, I haven't been experiencing anything too crazy. We went to our confirmation appointment on Tuesday and figured out that my due date is Christmas Eve, which I'm hoping will fluctuate for Bean's birthday parties sake, my blood work will be done in three weeks, and first prenatal will be in about four (5/28). I'm excited to see the first sonogram; I think that it will finally make this a physical reality- which I need, and I think Blade does too, because the mental/emotional aspect is killer right now.

On a weird note, I have been obsessed with reading my What To Expect book and thinking about the nursery and names and all that jazz. I find myself just blabbering on and on about pregnancy, and responding to every question or conversation with something related to my belly or Bean or the future or my missing vices. I feel like I'm already being annoying and it's only week five- I feel bad for everyone around me in six months.

For now, I'm just going to focus on eating and being healthy, preparing financially and emotionally for Bean's arrival at the end of the year, and spending as much quality time with Blade as possible while it's still just the two of us. As much as I am excited to expand our little family, I wish that we could have spent more time focusing on each other... I feel like a part of my life is dying before it even had a chance to live... I guess I am still pretty terrified.

(Week 5:3)